Rodillians Online: The Cully Files

Coldest Winter Ever

Another from the Dawn Connolly collection

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the heck the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood so they would be prepared for it.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Parenthood? Check this out first...

Thanks to father of Megan, Andy Fear for these.

15 simple tests to perform first:

Test 1
Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a large beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3
To discover how the nights will feel . . .

Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
Set the alarm for 3am.
As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
Go to bed at 2.45am.
Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off
Sing songs in the dark until 4 am.
Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off
Make breakfast.

Test 4
Dressing small children is not as easy at it seems.
1) Buy a live octopus and a string bag .
2) Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

Test 5
Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon. And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
Get a coin. Insert it in the stereo.
Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits, mash them into the back seat.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

There. . . perfect!

Test 6
Get ready to go out.
1) Wait outside the toilet for half an hour.
2) Go out the front door.
3) Come in again.
4) Go out.
5) Come back in.
6) Go out again.
7) Walk down the front path/driveway.
8) Walk back up it.
9) Walk down it again.
10) Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11) Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
12) Retrace your steps.
13) Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14) Give up and go back into the house.

Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8
Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Test 9
1) Hollow out a melon.
2) Make a small hole in the side.
3) Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4) Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5) Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6) Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

You are now ready to feed a 12 month old child.

Test 10
Learn the names of every character from the Fimbles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years.

Test 11
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look ?
Test 12
Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting "Mummy" repeatedly. (Important: No more than a four second delay between each "Mummy" -occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years.

Test 13
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continuously tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the "Mummy" tape made from Test 12 above.

Test 14
Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now:
1) Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
2) Stir.
3) Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
4) Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel.
5) Do NOT change. You have no time.
6) Go directly to work.

Test 15
Go for a drive, but first. . . .

1) Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls.
2) Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3) Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car.
4) While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat.
5) For the really adventurous. . . . Run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop.

Wish I had thought of that..!

Thanks to John Lawton for sending this on to me (in September 2003!)

Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

and finally (my personal favorite)

#5, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Poo

Thanks to Andy Fear for this collection

THE GHOST POO
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.

THE CLEAN POO
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but there's no poo on the toilet paper.

THE WET POO
You wipe your bottom fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your bottom and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE POO
This poo happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realise you have to poo some more.

THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POO
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poo". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN POO
No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG POO
The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NOTORIUS DRINKER POO
The kind of poo you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POO" POO
The kind where you want to poo, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS POO
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your bottom so fast that your cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID POO
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your bottom, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

Respect to Tommy Cooper, the best comedian EVER

Not sure who sent these but thank you.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.